Friday, December 3, 2010

life IS what we make it and the art of letting go....

I read something today that is similar to my life.
It made me want to take a closer look at how my life, marriage and relationships have changed over time.
(I interrupt this thought to enter this)
Today is one of those days where I find myself angry, sad, jealous and envious.
Wow, one might say at this point, get some help gal and that is exactly what I am doing here.
I find myself feelings these emotions because right now life isn't fair.
Why am I without a mother, a mother in law, a grandmother and friends that were guiding me throughout my life?
If it doesn't kill us makes us stronger than how come I feel so weak and drained by this?
I will never "know" the why for this question and yet somewhere inside of me I keep asking myself why oh why me???

Mom, Mom Pat, Grammie Case, Nan and Neysa, what sage advice do yo have for me, what words of wisdom do you wish me to know, what guidance can you give me to aid me during this time???

Please shed some light so that I can feel at ease, feel happy and look around and know that it really is okay that you are no longer in my life.

I do know that I will get through life without you, I do know that it really will be okay that I don't see you anymore, but right now, I feel saddened and not really buying into it.

It feels empty in a part of me, as if those voids will always be there.
i tell myself repeatedly that I miss you and its okay to miss you and then I hear this other little voice that says, really Maryann, is it really okay cuz right now you feel completely lost, confused, scared and overwhelmed.

If this is all good, and if I am exactly where I want to be in life, if i really am on the right path, I want to get there quicker so the hurt doesn't hurt anymore.
But, rushing it rarely is the answer, it rarely proves to be the best choice for us when we try to hurry things along.

Maryann, please remember that you are on the right path, that you exactly where you need to be and when or if the time come that you feel lost, know that you will find your way back to yourself.
Be kind, loving and gentle to yourself so that you can hear the words that are telling you, stop, take a breath, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, a sigh of relief and you will have found your way back to your truth.

(back to the post I originally sat down to write)

My husband and I were once miserable, unkind, selfish, violent and abusive to each other.
We were once on our way to divorce.
I am not sure what it was that actually made us wake up and realize that we are going about it, "the wrong way".
That we were continuing on a path that we didn't want to be on, we didn't want to hurt ourselves or each other, but we couldn't stop until that one day it happened, the choice was made that this is not how we want to live our lives, this is not how we want to raise our children, this is not what we want our children to learn and give them the tools so that they too would find themselves in unhealthy relationships.

As I said, I don't know why, what or exactly when it was that it happened but it did, something made us change for the better, something made us find it in our hearts to make the conscious choice to love each other.

It was no walk in the park either, it took massive amounts of dedication, hard work and tons of forgiveness to ourselves and each other.
it took something that I didn't think we had in us.

Now we don't argue, we communicate in a way that works and in a way that is healthy.
I love my husband more than ever and each day with him gets better.
I am thankful we stick it out and worked it out.
Do I wish that we would have learned this sooner, sometimes I used to because I was afraid that our kids might have learned some really bad habits.
And if one comes up, something that we taught them that needs to change, it gets changed.
Our kids are the best.
I am grateful for each day i get to spend with my family!!!

I do want you to know though, if you are in an abusive relationship, if you act out in violence, if you are being treated like you don't matter. Get the help you need, don't stay with someone who doesn't want it work.
Don't stay with someone who cheats, lies, steals, verbally or mentally abuses you.
Please seek a therapist, get the help you need.

In order for any relationship to work, both of you have to want it to work and make it work, both of you need to work together, forgive and really forget, for real, none of that crap bring it up later, truly forgive yourself and your spouse or partner.
Love is not a feeling, it is a choice, you can choose to love yourself and those around you, make that choice right now, love who you are right now, and go give that spouse or partner of yours a hug, tell them you love them, let them know how much they matter to you.
Don't stay mad anymore, forgive and forget, everyone deserves to love and be loved, now go give and get your loving!!!

Until next time,
I wish you abundance in its greatest glory, love, compassion and kindness in your heart and the hearts of those you touch. I wish you success and tons of happiness!!!
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