Saturday, November 13, 2010

growing up stupid

You can't do that, don't talk so dumb, stop acting stupid.

Words I never wanted to hear and yet I heard them all the time.

As I recall things about my life growing up, I don't know if it happened everyday or once a week, or even once a month. They happened though, and for whatever reason, it felt like they happened often. Not so much the good times, but the bad times, the times when I was called stupid.

I know growing up I believed it, I really thought I was so dumb, couldn't do anything right, didn't think my life was worth living.
I used to question what my purpose was all the time, and I'll tell ya, it hurt, to me that was the worst kind of poison that a person could ever give to someone, giving them the belief that they didn't know squat about anything.

When I grow up, I want to be an astronaut.
you can't be an astronaut, you would have to fly to the moon. So what I thought, and when I said I will be an astronaut, I was told I would have to go through lots of schooling and move away, all kinds of things to try and keep me from wanting this.
But looking back, i guess they were afraid and thought I may go away, or get hurt, or fail.

Then I said, well, I will be an artist, oh boy, that opened another can of worms, I heard the laughter, and was then told I would never make any money at it, did I want to be part of the starving artist group, first of all I didn't even know what that was, I was 4 years old.
I was full of hopes and dreams and when I mentioned them, they were squashed and laughed at.
So, out of my mouth, (obviously I was really one smart cookie) I said, well, since my skin is always dry, I want to be an alligator.
Not too much laughter, but I was told, good luck.
I don't recall much in my life earlier than 4 years old, am I blocking it out, did the negativity not start until i was 4??? Who knows, not me thats for sure.

I can remember terrible headaches, pumped full of pain meds to try and take them away, sometimes it worked other times I was in horrible pain for days, until I would vomit, then my headache would cease.
I remember pulling out my hair when I had a headache, hoping it would stop the pain and I believe that is when I realized that creating more pain can actually replace a different pain.

I used to pull my hair out when I was angry, I have school pictures of me when I was in elementary school with small bald spots from pulling out my hair.
I would pull out my eyelashes, lock myself in the bathroom, run away from home, you name it, I did it to get out of my house.

I was a barbie doll to my mother, dressing me up and loading on the make up, being sent home from school in 5th grade because the teacher said that only hookers wear that much make up.
Wow, good thing to tell a student, NOT!

When someone tells you are are stupid, or not to act or talk so dumb, if you are insecure, or a young child wanting your parents to love and accept you, you believe them, you believe all those stories they tell you, you believe the limiting beliefs they give you.
Its almost difficult to be smart, do things that your parents are proud of when you think you are stupid, because you believe it, you wind up doing things that are stupid.

They are no judgments here, I am not saying that the things I did were stupid or dumb, its just not the best choices that would have helped me instead, they hurt me.
Things like, skipping school, running away from home, swearing at my parents, fighting with my parents, partying with groups of kids that didn't serve my young childhood needs, instead they only helped to lead me on a path of destruction of myself, teach me values that wouldn't benefit me at all.

its okay, its what happened, it has been a hard road but I am a work in progress. I am getting there a little more each day. Getting to where i need to be to feel like I am deserving of all things good and wonderful

Do I still struggle sometimes, do i wish that sometimes life just felt ok to me, yeah, I do.
Do I think that just maybe I am trying to fool myself into believing that I can be who i want, I can have all I want and do I want, yeah, I do.
but it always comes back to even if its not true, it doesn't matter, i will spend the rest of my life believing that I can, will and always have the life i want to live.
That I am living the life of my dreams alittle bit more each day and one day I will wake up and look back and say to myself, see, I told you gal, you did it, you got back up and now look at you, look at where you are, you are living the life of you dreams to the fullest, you now have all that you want, you do whatever you want, you are who you wanna be.

I wonder though, how does one get rid of limiting beliefs, how do I just banish them from my mind.
I do not want to feel bad for myself, feel anger toward my parents or anyone who i feel has steered me wrong.

I want to feel happy, feel good about who i am all the time, enjoy me, the real me and find out what makes me tick, what drives me wild and crazy?

I guess I am still carrying around some insecurities, still holding on to sadness and pain but its not mine to carry dammit! Its not my burden to hold onto.
I want to let it go once and for all, I want to be thrilled to wake up everyday instead of thinking, same shit different day. Most days I am thrilled to open my eyes when I wake up, but some days those sucjy feelings just want to stick in my head, its like they just want to torment me.

WTF is that all about?
I ask you Maryann to be kind and gentle on yourself, to be loving towards you, to speak to you softly, to forgive yourself and others that have hurt you.

Maryann, I know it hurt you, I know you suffered because of it, but through all that pain, they have taught you many things, you have learned to be different, to change the cycle and patterns,
to help build up the spirits of those you encounter.
You have learned that words matter, that being kind makes a difference, to keep calm and respond, not to react with harsh words or violence.

You learned that you can overcome anything that comes your way, that you can turn a sour relationship into something so sweet that you are happy to be with that person.

You have learned to use your hands for hugging, holding and giving.

Maryann, its okay that some days you feel crappy, I know you don't like it, bit please remember this, you are still learning, you must still embrace the thoughts that pass through your mind.
You no longer have to feel badly about who you are, what you have done and what you want from life, its okay and it will continue to get batter.

Think about this for a minute, there was a time when you hated everyone ounce of your being, when you couldn't stand to look at yourself in the mirror, you didn't want to accept yourself.

Now, you have those tools and most days you think about all the good things that happen in your life, you think about just how far you have come and know that you will go farther than you ever thought you would.

It really is all good. The people that we think have wronged us are doing their best with the information they have been giving too.
We all have something to learn from everyone we meet, our family and friends and people we see out and about.
They are all teachers, teaching us things we want to know, learn do and be.
The things that we think are not so good, or don't like, its our choice and we can change it.
Chane our minds, change our life!

Love who you are, no matter what, if its needed, forgive yourself and others.
Stop, look around, and be thankful for everything right now!

You, me and everyone else, we are all beautiful people journeying through life, finding our path.
Lets be kind to one another, share our unique gifts with the world and be grateful now!!!

until next time happy humans,
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