Tuesday, March 2, 2010

finding direction

today I feel a little bit lost in this great big world, as if I have lost my direction booklet and now am wondering where to go, what to do and when to do it.

It's like my world was wonderful and someone came along a dropped a bomb and left me to put it all back together.
So many thoughts run through my mind over this past month.
Did I do the right thing, did I say what I should have, did I learn the lesson involved? I am finding that this past month has changed me in a way that I just wasn't ready to be changed.
I find myself, sad, angry, hurt and confused, I lost someone that meant the world to me.
I look at my husband and I think about how much it hurts to lose a mother, how it hurts him to see his dad alone and we have talked about it alot, he feels a big hole in his life too.

I do believe that all of us go through all the things we need to in life to get to where we need to be, to feel like we deserve everything in life that we so desire. So although its hard to lose someone, it is a necessary part of life, yet that doesn't comfort me at all.

I have trouble sleeping, dreaming, well that just is all screwed up at the moment, I feel like I have lost some control and it's scary to me. I wonder about so many things, make sure I say this, do this because I just never know when the moment will arrive that I will lose someone again.
Sounds a bit crazy to me as well.

Pat and I didn't get along for so many years, I never gave her the benefit of the doubt.
I was too busy thinking she would never like me and that it was pointless because I could never like her.
Mark wanted us to get along and he wanted it badly but it just couldn't be for some reason.
I would call her or we would get together and that is when those stories we tell ourselves about what other people think started rolling in like crazy.
I remember thinking things like, alright, I am gonna call her and if she doesn't like what I say or if she gets mad than that's it, I am not doing this anymore because I don't think there is anything I can do that she would approve of.

well guess what I have learned over the years, if we don't tell ourselves stories about what we think might happen, or what we don't want to happen, it all works out.

I really feared that my husbands parents would never approve of me and I know now that it has a lot to do with how I grew up. It happened, and it all works out now that I have decided what I want.

It was about couple years ago and I was talking to a friend of mine who helped me through different things in life and I was telling her that we still didn't get along (me and my inlaws), she asked me what I wanted out of this relationship and I told her, I just want to be their friend. It doesn't matter anymore what I said or did, what any of us said or did and I just want to be thier friend and she said to me, then that's it Maryann, be their friend, you can make friends so that's all you need to do, be a friend to them.

well, it was only a couple days after that and we received an invitation to his father's birthday party.
I'll tell ya, I was scared, I was so afraid that it wasn't gonna work and eventhough I wanted to be their friend I was worried. Even after all the talking I did with my friend and then my oldest daughter says to me (when you look at something through the eyes of a child, your whole life can change in so many wonderful ways), she says mom; don't ya think it is time to let it go, it's been a long time, don't ya think its time to forgive and forget.
Wow, was I shocked for a moment, and then I said yep honey, your right, we are going to the party.
That night when we came home I thought, holy cow, it worked, there was no fighting, everybody got along, this is great.
Mark was so happy that finally we could all be in the same room and no one was angry with each other, mainly me is what it was about it. I had alot of anger issues towards his family.

Well let me say this, it started us out on a journey that I never would have predicted. We chatted with is parents regularly and all was wonderful.
My husband got laid off from work and we wound up going to his parents house a few days each week. We had some wonderful times with them, we shared moments that Mark and I would have never imagined.
Pat was like a best friend for me. I really enjoyed hanging out with her. I miss and love her a lot.

I don't know how to get over her passing, I just don't know how to feel like its okay. I think about her alot, Mark wants her back just as much as I do and we feel lost about the whole thing.

Perhaps these are the normal things we are supposed to feel when we lose someone we love.
Sitting here writing helps me and as I mentioned in the beginning of this;
that I believe we are all where we need to be in life at every moment,
so there ya have it, I figured out some of this stuff that I am going through, I am where I need to be life and in time it won't hurt as much and it will all be okay even though right now it doesn't feel like it.

I miss you Mom (Pat), more than I thought I would and sometimes I just wanna pick up the phone and then it hit me, you are not there to call!

until next time,
I wish everyone much success, lots of love in your heart and oodles of good times with family and friends!!
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1 comment:

Ang said...

Maryann, what a moving entry this is. I kind of know the feeling. I never felt close to my Dad and it took what seemed like so many lifetimes to get through all the heartbreak so we could just get to each other. I lost him too in the end, but it was in those last five years of really losing him to cancer that we became most close... now it's five years later. So many would haves, could haves, and should haves under the bridge, just floating by.... they don't seem to matter anymore. It just makes me love him more knowing that he was able to love me enough to 'wait' for me while I figured out how much I needed him. *sniff*

Thinking of you lots.