Saturday, November 7, 2009

missing you...

Mom, are you home? Mom, Mom, are you here? Ohhhhhhhhhh, Mom, oh, there you are.

Hey, what brings you here ( mom says with a smile)
(me)I just stopped by to visit for a bit.
(Mom), oh goody, I always love when you visit.
(Me), I thought maybe we could chat about something, but first tell me, how are you these days?
Everything okay, you are feeling good?
(Mom) Yeah, everything is just great, i got a new job and I love it, I have so much fun at work, I can't even call it work because of how much fun I have.
(Me), that's wonderful Mom, I am so happy that you finally landed your dream job, good for you, we all know how hard you worked to get where you are today.
(Mom), Okay, honey, it's your turn, something tells me you have some troubles you want to share.
(Me) you know me to well Mom, your right, there is some things that are bothering me.
First, (yeah, there is more than one today), I just don't feel well, physically that it is, I have had cramps for a few days and it really puts a damper on all the things I want to do.

(Mom), oh dear, have you called the doctor or taken anything for it?
(Me), yeah, I did take some pain meds but no, I didn't call the doc just yet, I don't think its serious, it's just hurts.
Alright, second, I am missing the people that i lost in my life, even though I have accepted their departure, it's just hurts, ya know, my heart aches for their voice, their kind souls and they always knew just what to say to cheer me up, or listen, whatever it was, they knew what I needed.
(Mom), well honey, it's quite normal to miss loved ones, and yes, we all die at some point and it is always a heartbreaking time for a little while after, and it's okay to miss them. We always hear that we can still talk to them and they will hear us.
(Me), so i guess another day will go by and I will just have to talk with them and feel at ease with that, I can do it, it's just a bit saddening at the moment.
(Mom), so is there anything else that it troubling you?
(Me) yeah Mom, there is, i don't know where to go from here, I don't know what path to take and it is really scary right now. I am at a loss as to what to do when I get up in the morning, do I keep trying the soap business, do I keep pumping out books, do I get a job and work for someone else, is it giving up? How did I get here, who can I talk to to ease my worried mind?
Oh mom, I know they might not seem like big deal worries to you, but they are plaguing me with sadness.
(Mom), You are gonna get through this ya know, there isn't anything you can't handle, you are strong willed and you are a fighter, just look inside for the answers, really listen this time, and you'll get all the answers you need to get unstuck and feel better.
(Me) yeah, you're right.
(Mom), have you written about any of this or are you keeping it all bottles up in that head of yours?
(Me, giggling), I didn't get it out of my head and onto paper yet, so that is what I will do.

There is just one last thing Mom, and this is the biggie, do you know what today is?

(Mom) Yes, I do, you are gonna be okay honey, I am still here for you, whenever you need me I am just a heartbeat away.

(me), no mom, you're not, yes, I can still talk to you and I can think about all the things we did etc...
but, you can't hug me, I can hold your hand, do you remember, when I would hold your hand mom? I find myself doing it with my kids, grabbing their hand and holding it, and it's a special moment for me, because I believe it brings people closer if only for that moment.
I can't call you, do you know much I want to call you and say, "Mom, I know it's late, but would you mind if I stopped over so we could chat", "hey, guess what I did, what do you think, do you like it? "What time is dinner?", "Mom, you want to come over for lucnh, I am making your favorite"
I want those things, more than I have ever wanted them mom, and I can't have them you will never be able to come over and visit me, you will never know my girls and see Ron, I know he misses you too.
What am I supposed to do about this, how do I forget, how do I get over it, I want you back in my life, and I thought it would get easier as the years go by and yet for some reason, when this time rolls around, I just feel terribly lonely, not all the time, some years it passes and I don't even know it, I guess becasue most of the time, its okay, it has to be, but other times, I just want to jump up and down, stop my feet and say dammit mom, where are you, why did you leave?
And no matter what, there is never an answer, I know if you would have had a choice, you wouldn't have gone, it is sometimes hard, that's all.

(Mom), well, I want you to know that I will always love you, and right now, this is the way it is, it has to be this way, perhaps one day we will see each other, who knows, I don't have that answer but Maryann, you are gonna have to accept things the way things are are, ya know, this has made you a better person.
You are a good person honey, a great mom, a loving wife, well, you could stand to figure out a way to conquer laundry but hey, everyone will live through it whether it is in the drawers or the baskets.
Just look at all the things you have accomplished, you made it Maryann, you are do everything you ever wanted, and just think for a moment, what if everything that happened, happened for you instead of to you? That sure does change things ya know.

It gonna be alright, it's okay to miss me, and its okay to want a hug, hell, we all could use a hug sometimes, but you can find me hugging you on those days you need it most, just close your eyes, and feel that hug, it's there and it always will be.

I am so glad you stopped by, let's do this again in the near future, okay, I love you honey, see ya later.
(me), you bet, bye mom, love ya too!

1 comment:

maurafamily said...

Thanks for giving me my cry for the day :) Love you!!!